I love engineering. It has been by dream since my childhood days to be an engineer. To create something so perfect that it is almost metaphysical. I used to build bridges using twigs and leaves in my garden after the rains and watch the ants pass through them for hours.
I have no illusions about the works I create: coding, writing, presentations, some hardware with stepper motor which turns left when I press a button or the bridges which I build using twigs. Most of them just work, sometimes barely. But once in a while I would create something which would really make me proud. Not even close to perfection I agree, but decent enough to keep me going.
What bothers me is not the failure itself, but the indolence that breeds inside me due to the fear of failure. The procrastination that gets exhibited because I don’t want to create something worse than the last jewel I managed to create.
I am good at making things that work. I am good at finding the problems and fixing bugs. Maybe I should just stick to what I am good at. Maybe I should just build the foundation and let someone else build the highway.
There is a direct co-relation between my inactivity and the number of unread mails in my inbox. I just swept my inbox empty. I hope the causation follows.
Its not until you quit that you realize you were addicted. Be it cigarettes or Facebook. And so when I found this website, I found it to be a nice challenge for my otherwise indolent lifestyle.
I believe I am still quite a distance away from the line after which the need for approval becomes an obsession. But living in the illusion of being connected to 800 or so friends sub-consciously generates a need for the same. Although I haven’t resigned myself to the ritual of ceaselessly posting on timeline to get attention but I have never been able to resist myself from logging in less than twice a day.
Most of those 800 ‘friends’ don’t know where I am, don’t even know what I am doing. And infact those who actually know my whereabouts are the ones I rarely interact with on facebook. The interaction is at a more personal level: messages or phone calls when face to face interaction is not an option. These are the people whom I personally impart the news of my failures and successes. These are the people who don’t need facebook to wish me on my birthday. And these are the ones who deserve my attention.
I know its hard. Its tempting to take that one sip just one last time. But lets hope that I do finish the challenge. Lets hope that I am able to break the shackles of this matrix. Here is the countdown. I will still remain on messenger as that is the only way I interact with some of my good friends.