Catching The Bus

Its often heard that each city has its spirit, a feeling which makes living in the city a unique experience. Throughout my life, the four years I spent in Guwahati has been the longest I had ever been in one place, and what I can assert is that all these places had their own different ways of life.

Like any relationship, our relationship with a city is a two way commitment,(however infidel it might be ). The city has a way of life, and when we move into it we try to adjust to its way and which eventually becomes our way of life. For the past four years the pace of my living had been the slowest I had ever encountered. I dont mean that guwahati is a slow city. With little certainty I mean that IIT Guwahati is a slow community and with all certainty I mean that I was too lazy.

However now I have been picked up from the cozy indolent lifestyle and thrown into what we can ascertain as the fastest paced city in our country(or in world???Though I know I can face a lot of contradictions here :D). I want to catch the green colored DTC bus, but inspite of running hard I am missing it daily. I guess I am too slow. But its not depressing, its just fascinating to see things going around at a breakneck speed,(literally πŸ˜€ ). Next time I go to catch a bus, I should take a walking stick with me, so that when I lag behind I could stretch the stick and hook it in a window of the bus.

I know once I manage to catch the bus, my life will change forever.

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The Perfectionist

‘Perfection’ is a word that intrigues me. Here and there I can see a lot many, if not all people pursuing their goal to attain perfection, but the more they try, the more it eludes them. However, the use of the word ‘elude’ is a bit unfair here, as these people are actually getting better at whatever they are trying to master, its just that the more they get to know about their own capabilities the more they aspire to attain in future.

Interestingly, when I look at the ‘near-perfect’ things around my life, I kind of get nervous. I hate monotony, and once build all the near perfect things acquire monotony. Consider the ‘Delhi Metro’ for example. Will it keep running till eternity with the same announcements, same opening and closing of doors without any accidents? Not that I wish this brilliant system to fail but the thought makes me sick that it will keep on running forever.

The words ‘infinity’ and ‘eternity’ scare me. And though I admit that I am a disappointment when it comes toΒ  maths, but thats not the only reason. I cannot comprehend that fact that this universe will last for eternity, that the empty space around us is infinity, and that owing to the aftereffects of the big bang, our universe will keep on expanding into that infinite empty space. Its just makes me feel so insignificant.

Perhaps thats the reason why people believe in god. They dont want to be left alone as a tiny insignificant piece of hydrocarbon but need to feel that they have been created for a purpose. I agree that I dont have the intellect to decide whether god exists or not, because if he/she does exist and he/she did indeed create this universe, then we are no more than subjects bounded within the framework of his/her experiments. Debating about god’s existence would like the following scenario.

In the context of Operating Systems(a field in computer science)

Process 1 to Process 2: Do you believe in Operating Systems?

Process 2: yes.

Process 1: Do you believe that there is an almighty power that allocates you memory, cpu, when you require and takes them away at its discretion without any consideration for your opinions. If that is true, explain me why there is so much inequality in this system, why are most of the processes idle waiting for CPU or many of them have been swapped out due to lack of pages. Does this reflect the fairness of you Operating System?

What I believe is in the end nothing matters. If there’s an afterlife, I wont be remembering any of the stuffs I did in this life in the same way I dont remember what all I did in the previous life if it existed. So practically I have just one life to live, a life of just 50-70 more years. Now, I could live this life convincing myself that there is no god and I am solely responsible for my actions and punishing myself for my failures even though I might not deserve the punishment, thus making my life miserable. Also in this case I miss upon the opportunity of being grateful to someone, which to my experience is the most satisfying act of all. And the other extreme is to rely totally upon god for each and every decision of life, and trivially making the life worthless for myself and even others (as followed by religious fanatics). But there is a third option that I follow(and which most of the common people do with or without realising). The option is to believe in god, to thank him/her my for successes, to blame him/her my for failure, but not to an extent where my actions are compromised. I try to do the best I can for what I aspire, the result, I leave it on the uncontrolled circumstances, i.e. GOD.

And believe me when I say this, “I am a happy soul.”!

The Writing Drought

Its been a while since I wrote something, anything. You might be in an impression that adobe has brought forth the boring workaholic engineer inside me and killed what little bit of art I had but I would deny all such accusations. I am not short of ideas, its just that I am not getting time for myself. To be true, I am not even trying to. Although I hope things will change in future.

Meanwhile I had a realization which I wish to share. Here at adobe we are provided with a lot of independence– flexible timings, sports and gym facilities, free food– and this true in almost all the IT multinationals. Its hard to comprehend at the first look that how a company could manage to build such wonderful products with these levels of independence. The answer is: the choice of people they choose to hire. They hire people who love challenges. And what they need to do is just toss a problem in front of them like a piece of meat infront of a tiger and watch the show. The piece of meat is torn into pieces and at the end not even the bones are left. Its no wonder that the best softwares in the world are free and open source.

So this post was just to clear off the dust from my desk. I hope once the cleaning is done and the desk organized, I will be a bit more disciplined when it comes to writing. Enjoy life. Best of Luck.

Good-Bye

Recall the experience when you have a big presentation in the morning, and you are suffering from a “can’t-sleep-before-3”-nia. Now if you are like me, in the morning when the alarm rings, you would press the snooze button. Usually these 10 minutes of snooze feel like heaven, its like I am mogli in the cozy lap of balu in a jungle with everything made of honey and my nostrils are filled with the sweet damp smell of honey. But now it becomes a different story altogether. These 10 minutes become the most painful 10 minutes of my life. A dream recurs to me again an again like a hundred times in these 10 minutes in which I have got up and entered the class prepared to give the presentation. And the most painful moment is when the alarm again rings at the end of 10 minutes. Now I have to wake up in any case. And the lack of sufficient sleep the last night lends a lot of tiredness to my body and so when I try to wakeup I feel like my soul is trying to rip off my body to get out of it.

I have been living here in iitg for 4 years and now the alarm has rung. Now its the phase of those 10 minutes of recurring dreams following by the 10th minute of painful goodbyes. But its only after that painful process of waking up is accomplished, one gets to give that presentation of his/hers to prove his/her mettle. Dreams, however beautiful they might be, are still dreams. To solve the real world problems, we need to wake up.

I have made a lot many mistakes while being here in iitg. And this place was generous enough to forget my mistakes and encourage me to look forward into the life. I have learnt a lot much from those mistakes, and I know that the outside world won’t be that generous.

Good-Bye everyone! Hope to meet you all at the other end someday or the other!

P.S. : I couldn’t do justice to the post, but I think to write aΒ  post which would do justice to these moments, I would have to transcend my own abilities.

chaos

Almost all the time its a total chaos in my mind and I have always failed to make a sense out of it. There are just so many thoughts in my mind, what I wanted, what I got, what I want, what I will get. Forgetfulness is a bliss, and I am lucky to be the blissful person as I cant hold on to a thought for more than a while.

I feel like thoughts are simmering in my mind. Like when you boil water with tea leaves. Every now and then, one of the herb gets along with the convection and pops up onto the surface only to be noticed for a while and then dives into the oblivion. It is then replaced by some other one at some other spot. But there are some small pieces that have kept themselves aloof from this whole popping up and diving down business, and I can clearly see them through the clear water sitting right at the edges. I wish I could put my hand and disturb them, but I know that would just burn my hand.

Anyways, the point is that brain is perhaps the most sophisticated thing of anything that has ever existed on this planet. When you are awake, you think, when you sleep you think(we call it dream). Sometimes dreams show you your greatest desires cloaked in the most beautiful veil possible. Of-course, shattered dreams are like walking on broken glass pieces with naked legs but in this infinitude of universe if there were some planet where a guy like me would have been living just the life I have dreamed often, I wonder what his dreams would look like. What would it be like, if I had got what all I wanted?

life it is!

Sometimes, I find re-reading a novel a lot more amusing than the first time reading. This time I know all the tricks of the author. I know how the story is spun up, and eventually what will happen. The feeling is a kind of a deja vu only difference being that the events are not happening to me but to the projections of the novel in my mind. Sometimes I feel, if only I could talk to these projections and tell them when they are in despair, “Dont worry, everything will turn out to be just fine. Eventually it will all end”.

Life is like reading the novel for the first time. You never know what the author has planned. Sometimes you wish you could peek into the pages ahead to make yourself believe that everything is going to be alright. Fortunately, its not possible, for if it were, life wouldn’t have been so beautiful. And each novel has only limited number of pages. Also each chapter is allocated with a limited space in the book. So whatever it is, it will eventually end.

Its the bitter sweet coincidences that I like the most in my life. Especially how the things build up to make that coincidence happen. Its just a normal day of life following the normal course, but something unanticipated, most unexpected event goes wrong to change the course of the day, as if it happened just to make that one moment of coincidence possible. Life, its just too beautiful.

The Thinking Cigarette

We used to be together silently for hours. Not a word used to be spoken. You used to come to me when you were sad, depressed. You would burn me down only for me to be reborn. And there was some solace in that silence for both of us. It used to make your heart feel lighter and it was the only conversation I used to have with anyone. There was something magical in the smoke to which you were addicted to. Maybe the burning sensation diverted you from your pains. I feel guilty but I used to long for you to come to me. You were the world to me.

But now I haven’t seen you for a while. You must have found someone to share your sorrows, someone who doesn’t just sit silently beside you but lends you some soothing words. I suppose I should be happy for you, but its so hard to feel that way. I hope someday you would show up feeling the need of having a silent conversation with me. I hope, though I am ashamed of doing so.

Grow Up

In this world of grownups and childs, I find it very difficult to place myself in either of the categories.I am teasing and irritating and I often have been a victim of child like jealousies and stupidities. But as soon as I decide to put myself into the category of a child my whole other form starts flashing in front of me.

I like to take control of the things going on in my life. I like to take responsibilities for my failures, handle my problems myself. I like to be independent. I dont even remember when I last went to my parents crying for some reason. Clearly, I am not mature enough, but I am also not a child. I guess that will be the norm of my life. I ll never grow up although I grow up everyday.

frustration or something like that

Past two days have been a lot frustrating for me and so this is the safest method I could think of to ease the pressure. I am working on a project which is critical to a friend of mine and the adversary I am up against is our very own IITG network.

To put it in layman’s terms, I have a remote server on which files are supposed to be edited and I log onto it through my laptop in my room. And more often than rare when I perform an edit, the cursor stops blinking for 5 seconds and and it takes maybe 30 seconds to save the file, and add to it another 30 seconds to refresh the page on a web browser and see the results. You see, our lan is a time sharing network. Our laptops get bursts of time to send data, which get stored at the routers till the routers get bursts of time, to forward that data to another router, which again requires bursts of time to send that data to the remote server. And this bursts of time is based on some probabilities. And so I was a victim of heavy traffic congestion along with very screwed up odds in favour of me. I felt like I was playing a game. A game where I was being provided with bursts of time to finish off as much of code as possible before the cursor stopped blinking again.

There are an uncountable number of things that we desire in our lives. Some important, some might not be so important. Some we get, but for some we are not so lucky. But we must understand that each one of us wants the things to go in our own way. And I choose to believe that the guy above tries to take a maximal subset of all the wishes of all the souls on this earth. Considering the mathematics involved, its a monstrous amount of job, and obviously each one of us will never get satisfied. If I really like something, I can get crazy for it. But as for the end result is concerned, I just need to let it go. I even choose to believe that this guy above is recording my efforts somewhere, anywhere. Maybe its not true but believing so makes life a lot easier.

Random Musings

So with this being the last sem, the end of placement mania, and with no motivation of doing anything, a thousand random thoughts surf through my mind each day. I would like to share a few of them.

I like the smell of cigarettes. And I dont know what is stopping me from taking a sip of that nicotine-filled-lungs-perforating smoke but I just dont smoke. I have nothing against smoking. I have even thought of starting it many-a-times, but there is something that stops me at the right moment. I have even experimented once, but that too coudnt lure me into addiction. I guess thats good for me.

Patience is a virtue that fascinates me the most. The image which pops up in my mind when I hear this word is that of a tiger hunting. It waits hidden in the bushes waiting for the right time to give that killing chase. “Behind the enemy gates”, is a movie I love, for it depicts the complexities of being a sniper, which requires endless patience in its job prerequisites. I want to do something in my life which involves a lots of patience and go-for-the-kill at the opportune time, so that whenever I look back, I would see myself as the tiger in the image which I see.

Sometimes we meet some people who leave an everlasting impression on us even though we might not remember their names or faces. Like there was a rickshaw-wala in gurgaon who brought me in time to the metro station as he promised and was not ready to take the extra money which I was giving him.

I never like to speak about myself, but if I like you, you can never bore me of your endless chatterings. My friends understand that and accept the fact unquestioningly, so if you have a problem with it, screw you. πŸ˜›

I usually put sticky notes on my wall to remember the things I have to do. Last sem there were a half a dozen sticky notes, like placements, gre, BTP, this assignment, that submission, ion. But this sem I have just got one, ION, and that too is about to be ripped off thanks to shobhan. 😦

I love that last shop in khoka, the one that sells awesome pakore and tea.

I am not lazy, its just that I am not interested.

This post is getting big, so I am stopping here.

I am posting this blog just so that when I look back at it, I could remember how much time I had to kill in these days. πŸ˜€