I Know I m Still in IITG When

1. The Undeterable Singers: There goes the cacophony, “Aye khuda blah, blah, blah”. No its not Rahat Fateh Ali Khan I am cursing, and believe me after listening to all those self-proclaimed singers of my hostel, he is a god to me. I put on my headphones to escape the daily attrocities I suffer. There are room singers, there are bathroom singers, there are lobby singers and even the mess-walas are no less than singers. I am sure the day all of them start singing together, all the dogs of the IIT will gather in kapili howling.

2. The Blaring Vuvuzela: Aah! How can one forget it. Just when you start believing that god has finally started blessing you and batakh’s vuvuzela has been stolen, BAAAAAA, there it goes, and tears come gushing into your eyes. I admire the person who named him batakh for his foresight, for the sound of his vuvuzela is no different from that of a real duck, although to match the intensity the duck has to be as big as my hostel itself. 😀

3. The Khattebaazon ke Khatte: “Person 1: Yar ek khatta suna. Person 2: Khatta”. If you think thats bad, think again. If you still think thats bad, then you should leave this place immediately and never come back. There is a whole hierarchy of khattebaazs. There are khatta kings of individual lobbies, then there are khatta kings of each floor, and then finally there is just one khatta king of the whole hostel, and we all know who he is, The Pirate, Aint he? You are gossiping with your friends, the discussion is typical, bad mess food, girls, bad profs, girls, bad movie, girls, good movie, something which has xxx or naughty in its name, 😉 and suddenly as if someone has silently passed a “dhussi”, (I hope you know what it means, both the meaning of dhussi(else google is god) and what it means when someone does so in the middle of that serious discussion), a khatta is dropped in between the discussion. I have got nothing more to explain, we all know how we feel. 🙂

4. The Infinitely Looped Songs: while(1){ “And I’m so lonely, blah, blah blah”;}, hope thats not too technical. 😀 I know there are broken hearted people all around. I can imagine the reason too, but it breaks my heart when the same portion of magnetic media gets chafed again and again and again, (infact i should write while(1){ “again”;}, again sorry for technicality.) I mean common, why are you dumping the other portions of your magnetic disk like your girlfriend dumped you, are they so bad, I know they are not as charming as this portion, but they are still portions, they too might have feelings. And ya, I love that song too, but not to an extent where I would run it in an infinite loop.

5. The IIT of Snake Charmers: 50 years back, India was considered a land of snake charmers. 50 years since then, The Indian Institute of Technology Guwahati,(heavy name, isnt it?), is considered as the IIT of snake charmers. There are snake catchers everywhere, some catch the small slimy ones, some catch the big poisonous ones,(disclaimer:Trust at your own risk. :D). I think its the only IIT where if someone says, “There is a cobra!”, people will bring in their cameras and swarm around it like the journalists do in the Peepali Live movie. I pity the snake!

I was thinking of writing about earthquakes too, ya those naughty vibrations which dont let me finish my dreams, but I think they have long forsaken this place. I miss them. 😦

P.S.: This article is not to offend anyone, infact these are the memories to be cherished forever. 🙂

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And So We Fall In Love…Again!

How could I not notice you for the past few years? You are so beautiful, so flawless. The innocence in your smile, the stupidity in your actions, the hair groomed or all messed up, all adds to your elegance. When I look at your face, the whole world dissolves and what remains is just you. Oh wait, why is everything dissolving? why are you dissolving?….

Now I am on a horse, whoa! You are standing on a hill covered with green grass waving at me. I ride faster and faster and finally reach you. I lean down, put my right hand around your waist, lift you a bit and kiss you. I can see a tiny drop of tear at the right corner of your right eye. With the thumb of my left hand, I wipe off your tear.You smile at me, and that reminds me how much I love you. Now I say, “I …. hey… why is everything shaking ?“”

“Sanmukh uthja saale, earthquake aa raha hai”.

“Oh damn this earthquake, now I will never find out how I would have proposed her. Another love story gone in drain..”

The Wrong Choice

21 years ago, I was at god’s place. People in groups of two were sent to god to make a choice regarding their birth. So now it was me and my partner’s turn. God asked us,”Boys, you both will be blessed with a  wonderful life, you’ll have people who love you, but you have to make a choice between two things. Either you get an extraordinary brain, with a very high aptitude for logic or you’ll be born in a very rich family with no brains at all”.

I thought,”So ok! if I choose brain, I can use it to earn money and so soon I ll get what all he ll get, and who wants to be a dumb child of a very rich dad?”. So I hastily chose the first option. And the guy next to me chose the second. I laughed in my mind, “What a fool he is, no wonder he took that choice, see how dumb he is!!!”.

So as promised by god, I got what I chose. A wonderful brain, which fell in love with maths and finally I cleared the JEE. But today I saw the guy who stood next to me cruising on a bike with his hotty girlfriend holding him tightly. I thought, “so much for the whole brain thing, I should have made the other choice”! 😀

Confessions of a Back-Bencher

I am a back-bencher and am proud to be one. Let me show you those 15 hrs of week in class through my eyes.

1. The Tedious Machine: Some make wonders happen, some see wonders happen, and I wonder what happened. If every single word that comes out from the mouth of the prof were to be visible, imagine how the classroom would be. That reminds me of those video games where we had to catch the bricks falling from the top, only in this case the game is 3D, the arena is horizontal and except for catching a few words which fall down owing to the grace of gravity(notice grace :D), I dont even try to catch the words as they seem to be going so high over the head that even if I stand over the bench(dont worry I wont fall, the new ones are wonderful!) I wont be able to catch them. I just admire the scene where the words are flowing like flocks of birds all over the sky and finally crash into the walls. Some people have adapted their antenna to go high over into the sky to catch those words, others like me catch watever gets scattered by crashing into those antenna.

So lets come to the course itself. We are supposed and expected to just throw away the number system which our ancestors invented after a hell lot of toiling and sweating and embrace the “Cave Man Calculus :P”. You know nothing but a symbol zero, so now you have to generate all the numbers which you can think of by repeatedly operating on zero as many number of times as you wish or you can endure :P. Even the cave men were better I suppose. They just had to put a line to indicate an increment, and not a weird mathematical formula with those weird signs provided by the Romans. Oh God, why dint India colonise Europe. 😛

Then comes the world famous Tedious Machine. Theoretically it can solve any problem of the world, though I have no idea whether it would solve your problem of gf or not. 😀 But lets skip it, so I was saying that it can theoretically solve any problem of the world but practically none. 😛 To solve even the simplest problem, You have to rely upon that bulky magnetic tape which is supposed to be infinite(God knows how!), and a greater problem is if the tape goes into an infinite loop, its not the tape’s fault, its actually tape’s method of saying, “What the hell! Cant you give me a correct input!”. OK! even if I somehow figure out how to detect whether the tape is working or it is in an infinite loop, I have no guarantee that I would get my result in a reasonably good time. “Efficiency to Moh-Maya hai”. You should solve the problem, however inefficient it may be, just solve it. Just start the tape and let your grandson or great-grandson take the credit of the result.(Hope theres no syntax error :D). Thank God those EC people came up with the idea of IC or I d have shifted to arts or commerce :P.

2. Network-Timed out: When speaking of networks, speak as network administrators do. Its easy to imagine the class, Just imagine the AIR(All India Radio) Vivid Bharati Prasaran. With each class, the AIR broadcast centre begins its broadcast which lasts for 1 hour. And sooner or later or never, we radios(dumb nodes in terms of networks :D) tune up to the correct signal. To respect the fact that we are IITians, Id like to give a better title than dumb radios. So the class consists of some near about 70 IBM Desktops and 5 Apple PCs(our gals, remember those adds a few years back where the PCs appear in red green blue colors :P), hopelessly trying to communicate with the base station, the AIR broadcast station.

The basestation, a mainframe computer, with its monotonous broadcasting, interrupted again and again by some of the desktops, reminds me of Lord Ganesha, scribe of story tellers, though in this case the story is more of network protocols and topologies. And among those 75 desktops, I am sure 74 of them have their OS as linux, stable and secure, so secure that some even block their listening ports and dont even allow the broadcast to enter into the system. Who knows it might be a malicious code sent to cause harm to the system. 😀 And of one I am damn sure its windows. Remember how the windows comes up to you seeking permission to send a list of 140 or so error reports, none of which ever get solved. 😛 Now I know what happens to those 140 error reports. They all get so messed up that when unicasted to the mainframe, the mainframe hangs, and even those 74 other desktops which had their ports blocked open their ports to listen to the conversation. 😛 It would be a great degree of generalisation if I mention all the desktops to be of the same shape and size. But if I get into details, I ll have to afford a whole range of desktops available in the market to cover each and every person. Though I d just like to mention that atleast one of the 70 IBM desktops and one of the 5 Apple PCs do not actually fall into the category of desktops, they can actually be counted as laptops or palmtops( 😀 guess who!!).

3. The Dreamworks: A suitable name for this course, for everything happens in dreams. You come to class to dream(some call it sleep but thats so wrong), you build a model of IITG in you dreams(which wen coded in OpenGL as we do, has no resemblance to the real IITG even in dreams :D), and the more you watch the movies like Avatar and Finding Nemo, the more you feel that you can do something like that only in dreams.
There is nothing animating about this course of animation, oops I overrated it, its actually just a course of graphics which is supposed to be a base for animations. I entered into this course expecting to discover my aesthetic side, the sense of beauty within me. But as and when I enter into the class, I feel myself dumped into a dungeon with all the light suffocated out, though the tubelights are always on. I remember the days when I was small and I used to be so scared of the command-line based DOS mode. I used to feel blinded, suffocated, handicapped, with no “graphics” to support me. Well thats the same feeling in this dreamworks class. 😀 As of now, I am a command line enthusiast. And I think that even the Younger Sanmukh would prefer the MS-DOS class to this dreamworks class. 😛

4. YACC(Yet Another Cursed Course): Nothing much to say about this course as nothing much happens in this course. Remember the game I mentioned before. Its the same game being playing here. The only difference is that in this case the words are not thrown to hit the wall, but they are just slipped off the tongue to let fall by themselves. They dont even manage to reach the first benches, leave alone the last bench. And even if somehow they could be caught in bits and pieces, I have got no idea how to compile them. Its like asking a C compiler to compile the language of JAVA. 😛

As apparent, it contains highly exaggerated and fictitious content. So dont take it seriously :P, just enjoy. And one more note, I am not truly a back-bencher. 🙂

3 Days To Fall Out of Love for Dummies

You are reading this post so I assume that you read my previous post “7 days to fall in love for dummies” and you established yourself as a romantic couple. So now you think you are no more a dummy. But then bitter truths falls on us at the time least expected. So ofcourse not surprisingly for me, you want to throw away this title. Reason might be you got bored, or your subject’s friend is getting hotter and hotter day by day or whatever it might be but you are again having that very feeling of dumbness for you dont know how to breakup. Dont worry, I am again there to rescue you from this cruelty. 😛

Some of the readers of the previous post, for reasons so obvious, were eagerly waiting for my next post on “7 days to fall out of love for dummies”. For those readers, I owe my apologies, for I got delayed by the midsems which were playing havoc with my CPI. Though I dont know whether I was successful in saving my CPI from that butcher’s knife, but I sure do have some good news for you guys and gals(you were the ones eagerly waiting. :P).

Before I even started to run my highly intelligent brain(sorry for boasting, but you atleast owe me this 😛 ) on this extremely urgent topic, I got a proposal for the algorithm. It was about the break-up week, where you get to breakup in 7 days, the days being: Missing day, Jhagda day, Confession Day, Slap Day, Kick Day, Hate Day and finally Break Day, I thought, “huh!Do you really require 7 day to breakup. What a waste of time.”. Now the urgency was further increased for the humanity was in wrong hands. I had to bring forth a better algorithm to save the humanity. And so I invented this efficient step by step guide to breakup in 3 days. So lets directly get to it for a lot many of you must be cursing me for this long buildup. 😀

3 Days to Fall Out of Love for Dummies

PROLOGUE: You proved your mettle by becoming an established romantic couple, some credit to me ofcourse. 😀 But now you are in trouble.Its impossible to bear the torture.You desperately need a change. So you again resort to me. To get you out of trouble, I conjure this guide,step by step instructions to successfully have a breakup. Similar to the previous guide, this one is also based on credit system, the credits lead you to breakup.

DAY-1: The Decision Day.

So you decide to have a breakup. My suggestion to you for this day is to enjoy this day as much as you can. 😉 Just utilize the credits you gained as recklessly as you want. Just pour them like water.By doing so, you may infact gain some breakup-credits. 😉 Morover once you breakup, the credits would be no more valid, they would expire. And I know that you all agree that its better to use them than to throw them away in trash. 😛

DAY-2: The Provocation Day.

You might be wondering what credits have to do here in breakup. I ll tell you now. I believe that it was you who toiled during the valentine’s week. So why not let her have the command during this breakup week. So the more credits you gain, the more easier the breakup will be.

Today is the provocation day. You have to provocate your subject. Do something which doesnt please her. Try to flirt with her friends, ignore her to stare at a hot gal. Use your imagination. Prove her you can win over any gal.:P The more you provocate her, the more credits you gain. Bonus if you could tell her on her face that you are not interested in her, but ofcourse I dont recommend that, for I dont want it to be your last day. 😀

DAY-3: The BreakUp Day.

So the day of freedom arrives. You have provocated her, you have gained credits, now you just need an ignition. Just irritate her somehow, and you are done. “I need to talk to you.” Those very words which you were so eager to listen.She begins the fight, dont let it stop. Just keep on fuelling it by suitable punch lines. You may even praise her friends if you feel the heat subsiding. Just keep in mind that if you fail today, you ll again have to bear the torture for 3 more days. Fight as if you ll die if you lose.

As there is no three word protocol like “I love you” for breaking up so you might get to listen a lot many variants. Just assume they all mean “I am breaking up with you”. Hurray you are out of it finally. Congrats! Just a note, atleast inform your friends about the plans for this day, because if things go wrong, you dont want to be late to be fetched to the hospital. 😀

EPILOGUE: So now you are a free bird. You have mastered in the makeup, breakup. You may now want to consider decreasing the establishment time, for 7 days is a hell lot of a time. So keep me updated if you get an even better algo. You’d be serving the humanity. 😛

Analysis of my Algo: Consider the previous algo where you need 7 days to breakup. In a year, you could be with just 24 gals. But considering the reduced time of my algo, you can be with 36 gals a year. Thats a great improvement I assume. 😛

7 Days To Fall In Love For Dummies

For the past few days some sweet yet strange messages have been finding their way into my phone. Sweet because they are actually sweet and strange because they all share a peculiar feature among them. They all end with a “HAPPY BLAH-BLAH DAY”.God knows where I was living these 20 years for I never heard of these BLAH-BLAH days before. Maybe they were made by some hopelessly romantic couple in the last one year, or maybe it is just one of the many side-effects of getting into an institution like IIT. 😀

So these established romantic couples devised a way for others to enter into their league. “7 days to fall into love for dummies”. Follow the rules for each day and you ll be one of them. An established romantic committed couple, who live in their own dreams, have their own world which is all perfect.So let me give you a tour of these 7 steps to get (into ;)) a girlfriend. But a warning, before any practical implementation, be sure to have someone to save you in case you get bankrupt. 😀

7 Days To Fall in Love For Dummy Boys:

PROLOGUE: You begin the hunt for your gal. Lets call her SUBJECT. You first check your budget. Multiply it by the standard hottness to money ratio, to get the range of hottness in which your subject should fall. Then based on your hottness range, you start hunting for your subject. In confusion, toss a coin. Remember your subject’s friend always appears hotter, so dont get fooled.Choose wisely.

1. Rose Day:- Maybe when god was distributing fragrance to each of his creations, ROSE stole our share. Thats why it smells so good, and we so bad.(Now if you dont believe me, just put your nose into your armpits,:D). And thats why we boys send(give) it to the gals as a messenger sent to the king of an enemy territory. If the king is short-tempered, hard luck for the ROSE else its a good luck for you. In either case, the ROSE is dead, either trampled under the feet of the lady or dehydrated in her hands or hairs.

So the rule of this day is you have to give a rose to your subject. So you give rose to the subject.The more the better. Bonus points if you could afford a little adventure for that bunch of roses, and extra bonus if you could afford a cut from the thorns.

2. Propose Day:- If your reading this then I assume yesterday worked well and you are not in any hospital. :D. So today is propose day. This officially gives your subject the right on your purse. Preparations for this day includes a decent dress, lots of perfume(thnx to the rose scandal at the beginning of the world), some love quotes memorised by heart(google them, I am not good at it) and infinite number of other stuffs based on ur innovation and your budget. Bonus points if you make your own love song and extra bonus if you buy some souveniers which she likes(theres high probability of this extra bonus as your subject usually likes anything for free).

3. Chocolate Day:- I am sure the creators of these days were heavily bribed by the companies like cadbury and nestle for today is the chocolate day.Now its your chance or if you want to call it privilege to bribe your subject. Theres only one rule for this day, “BADA AND BRANDED HAI TO BEHTAR HAI.” ;). So the choice is yours, but consult your financer before investing. 😛

4. Teddy Day:- The problem with the chocolates is that by the time you are reading this step, its traces wont even remain in your subject’s body. There should be something tangible. Something she could show her friends and let them know how hot she is. So the Teddy Day got invented which is ofcourse today. The rule for this day is, “CUTER AND MEHENGA HAI TO BEHTAR HAI.” And ya, dont forget to not remove the price tag before giving her. 😛

5. Promise Day:- Today is the false promise day, not a good word for marketing so just strip it to promise day. Today is the day when you get to vomit out all those filmy dialogues into the ears of your subject. Its a rapid fire round. The more dialogues in the given time, the more bonus you get. Time is precious, use wisely. And remember, promises are for free, you dont have to consult your financer. 😉

6. Hug Day:- So finally your investments has started reaping. But dont be impatient, today is just a Hug day. Dont go beyond hugs, or you ll lose those bonuses gained earlier for no reason.

7. Kiss Day:- Ah, I am sure in the beginning some of you must have scrolled down through the post to read how the end would be and must have read this one. You naughty fellows. :P. So today is Kiss Day. The bonus points you have gained are the best used here. ;).Just enjoy.

8. Valentine Day:- If you have reached this far, you are one of those “established romantic couples”. Congrats! Now I wont tell you what to do today as I dont want my post to get censored. Just note that “Chacha Nehru’s Bday” is exactly nine months from now. 😉


EPILOGUE:
One week from now, the breakup week starts. So check out for “7 days to fall out of love for dummies”.

For Boys: Note the use of word subject and respect the fact. These rules never work on gals, they just work on a subset which I mentioned as subjects.

For Gals: Although these subject hunters are appealing but please dont fall for them and then blame all of the boys for being insensitive.

For Couples: The phrase “established romantic couple” is just a satire for the relationship between the hunter and the subject. I respect your relationship more than anything and would happily like to become like one of you someday.

3*3 Idiots

Confusion, anarchy, uncertainity would be best suitable to describe the situation of our group just 6 hrs before the trip began. We were uncertain about the number of persons, indecisive about when to leave and sometimes were even confused about where to go. 😀 So maybe with the intervention of some divine power, we were finally able to come to a decision and in the morning we left out for our adventure with a group of 9 people going to sikkim.

So let me first start with the names of the 9 idiots who went on for the adventure.

1. The Uncleji
2. The broken hearted.
3.&4.The to be in love couple.
5. The Alcoholic.
6. The Khatta King.
7. The pregnant one.
8. The lover boy.
9. Ofcourse Me. 🙂

Maybe I imagine a lot. 😀

Ok so lets come to each one of these idiots, I give you the freedom of deciding which one of us was the greatest idiot.

The Uncleji:- The mastermind behind this trip, this religious priest was trying to prevent we perverts from wrath of god by not letting us sin. Alcohol was banned, non-veg could also have been banned but for the protests. We were benifitted by his preaching day and night. He also has something called a “setting bureau”, something which matches 90%(8 out of 10) of your qualities with the an arbit girl(selected depending on your preferences), thot you might be interested.He has a wonderful ability of smelling center fruit from inside the wrapper.Apart from that, I really appreciate his leadership qualities and managerial ablities.

The broken hearted:- Maybe this adventure was just a disguise to get away from the thoughts of a gal named, oops I forgot her name, It was based on some soft drink I think, ok lets call her “Coca-Cola”. Ya so this journey for him was to get away from the thoughts of “Coca-cola” but the universe conspired against him.:D With this “coca-cola” girl staying in the same hotel, our wild tiger became a pet cat. :D. To be true, I am no better than him in case of gals, so I empathy him.

“Kaise Batayein Kyu TujhKo Chahen Yaara Bata Na Payein
Batein Dilon Ki Dekho Jo Baki Aake Tujhe Samajhayen”

The to be in love couple:- Lets call them sonu-monu. Sonu meets monu, Monu meets sonu. They have eye contact, monu blushes, sonu shies away.:P They fell in love. How romantic. Although our Uncleji’s “setting bureau” may fail, but the trip doesnt. And so we have a couple with us, who sleep in the same room, sit together in the jeep, help each other in picking up the luggage. Love triumphs.(Warning:This may just be our uncleji’s one of the many ideas to divert attention from himself, so don’t trust untill you verify.)

The Alcoholic:- This guy was the most offended by our priest’s “fathwa” against alcohol and non-veg. Also he took a major role in contradicting the preachings of our priest and enlightening us. His sustained revolution for legalising the non-veg was successful and for alcohol, I don’t know, maybe he would have smuggled if he needed it.

The KhatteBaaj:-IIT’s full of khattebaaz and so its nothing surprising to have one with us. I guess the other groups also had alteast one. 😀 . Now actually not being into this field I dont have the wits to analyse these khattebaazs, so I can’t comment more on them. Neither am I good in remembering “khattes”.

The Pregnant One:- The one who likes the most to be photographed, but the only problem was that he had to sometimes work hard to take care of a lump in his stomach also known as “Tond”. ;).It was his only grief I suppose which I heard from him a lot many times.He enjoyed the snow the most among us(paise wasool jo karne the).

The Lover Boy:- Everything normal with this guy except for his “saccha pyar” for his love. My roaming balance went down for his “jaanu”, his pocket got lighter to buy soveniers for his “jaanu”. Given time maybe he would have built a Taj Mahal using the ice for his “jaanu”.(He already started with the base,a heart sign with two alphabets separated by a Plus sign:P).

Me:- I am perfectly normal. Even if I am not, why would I tell you.:P I dipped my hands into the cold waters of the seven sisters falls, to find a rudraksh, so I think this should be enough for my candidature for this idiot cup.

P.S.: The characters maybe fictitious, trust on your own risk.